


Caedis

by stelthykat



Series: Transitions [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst?, Attempted Murder, Disjointed, Explicit Language, Gen, Levi Erwin backstory somewhat, Misc. Characters throughout, Spoilers for Manga and Anime, Spoilers for spinoff series, Squad Levi cameo throughout, Violence, character conflictions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelthykat/pseuds/stelthykat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had always been Levi's intention to kill Erwin Smith. Joining the Scouting Legion had simply been a means to do so, to give payback for the humiliation and disregard the man had shown him. Kill him quick, run back to the Underground; simple enough really. Then why was it becoming such a chore?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my first work on this site. Any and All reviews are welcome (even if it's to tell me "this sucks"). May become part of a series but that will depend on how I feel about it. Hope the characters aren't too ooc and that I captured the inner turmoil in a good way. 
> 
> I used elements of the "Birth of Levi" as well as the standard series to form the world/relationship as I do believe wholeheartedly that Levi would have tried to kill Erwin and fought with himself over doing so at some point. 
> 
> Fair warning it has not been betad as I haven't found one yet. Enjoy!

Levi was usually not one to contemplate the past. After all, you couldn’t change it, and all reminiscing brought you in the end was doubt, self loathing and twisted your gut up into a knot. He found it impossible _not_ to however when Erwin sat in front of him, blue eyes boring into his own with a look of sympathy and regret yet stalwart at the same time. Erwin fucking Smith.

Otherwise known as the pain in the ass that had occupied his life for the better part of five years.

Levi outwardly blanched, his mouth drawing into a tight line as his brain tugged him into the forbidden waters of the past. Five years was a long time. Almost an eternity in his line of work; both past and present; the Survey Corps held the usual dangers, but being a thug had meant never knowing where the next meal came from, if it was poisoned, never knowing if the guy two feet behind you was going to pick a fight and leave you dying in the streets….. never knowing if some fucking idiot was going to come and ‘save’ you.

Five years was a long time to put off killing some poor bastard.

“Levi.” The stern voice stole his attention away in a moment, causing Levi to involuntarily relax his muscles and soften his face a minuet amount.  “Enough.” Throughout his years Levi had always been a skeptic, had always had a good laugh at the ‘psychics’ who preyed upon the weak willed and crestfallen underground. But with Erwin he had often tossed the idea around that the renowned commander _was_ indeed psychic. Either that or he assumed that he had become an open book within the span of five years.

“Of what?” Levi casually retorted, because this was their game. Pretend not to feel, pretend that he doesn’t see and that everything is fine. Your squad isn’t dead, innocent people didn’t die – they don’t matter – what _does_ matter is Eren and the dumb ass in front of you because if anyone can get humanity through this it’s—

“Enough,” Erwin sighed, bringing a bruised hand up to run soothingly over his ragged face, “It’s done, no need to dwell.”

Levi looked down, keeping himself level with the emotional playing field. “I know,” he murmured, uncharacteristically weary.

“Then stop this.” Erwin stood, his boots lightly scuffing the floor as he strode towards the door way, façade back in place. “Don’t loose the conviction you’ve always held onto.” Erwin Smith looked back at Levi and smirked, eyes sparkling with amusement, “After all – that’s no way for my murderer to act.” And with that he was gone. 

Levi stared at the door long and hard, halfway wanting the bastard to come back and impart fastidious words of wisdom upon him; the other half wanted to follow him and rip his throat out to prove a point that he _was_ mentally unhinged. Erwin had always wanted to know why Levi initially insisted that Eren join them – had always been on his ass for the information that he probably already knew.

Eren was like him in the way he declared his blood lust. Eren was a killer first and foremost and when pointed at a titan would strike first with no hesitation. Eren was something that could crumble in an instant only to be rebuilt with cracks throughout. Though in all honesty, maybe Eren wasn’t so much like him. After all, Eren hadn’t tried to kill the Commander of the Survey Corps after the show of kindness that he’d been presented. Eren hadn’t had to spend four days wondering if he’d made the right call and knotting up his gut over the knowledge that he might have just overdone it this time or the ‘oh god what have I done’ feeling. Eren wouldn’t have put the poison in Erwin’s coffee, nor would he have tried to suffocate the generous man with a pillow while he slept in a fevered state.

_ Five years ago  _

“Levi?” Some childish part of him decided to ignore the voice calling his name. Clenching his eyes even tighter closed he let out an internal growl as the voice spoke his name again, “Levi.”

He rolled over, turning his back to the voice and keeping his senses on high alert for any possible attack. “Levi!” the voice turned from nonchalant to suddenly commanding. “Get up this instant!”

When he felt the subtle press of a hand on his shoulder he sprung into action. Flipping his upper torso around and following through with his legs he brought a braced leg up to crack the ribs of the offending voice. Like always his follow through felt flawless; the parts of his body that were striking were perfectly tensed to deal damage to only one person, the rest of him was relaxed and supple enough to move away quickly or take any hits effectively.

What he didn’t expect was the voice to be connected to an ox of a man whose eyes simply held humor. There was no panic or massive grapple to defend himself; only a raised hand which gripped onto Levi’s calf with a sturdy yet light hold.

A warning, not a threat.

Levi mustered up the worst glare he could possibly manage and quickly sat up, ignoring the spilling blankets and cold air of the room to grab at the mans other hand. “What?” he replied scathingly, looking wearier than he possibly ever had.

“It’s time to get up.” The man murmured, his blue eyes narrowing as he took in the lack of sleep on his subordinates face. “Have you had trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah.” Levi frowned and untangled himself from the mans grip and his bed to sit up and face the intruder. “There’s nothing like going to sleep in a strange place with around two hundred odd people who are all trained to kill and are just itching for a reason to end your ass.” Levi rand a lithe hand through his hair and frowned up at the man. “What brings you here?”  

“You were late.” The man ran a hand absent mindedly across his face and frowned at Levi. “That is unprofessional and unacceptable of a soldier, especially one who is as talented as you.”

“Fuck you Smith.” Levi grimaced, standing and stretching his sleep addled muscles and looking up into those blue eyes. “And aren’t you late to whatever it is pricks like you do?” Levi gave a sardonic smile.

In a very uncanny gesture Erwin Smith blinked and gave a huge smile. “Well,” he chuckled, staring down at Levi in a way that reminded him of the predators down in the underground, “Being next in line for Commander does have its benefits.”

“Christ,” Levi groaned, scowling as Erwin carefully turned his back and made his way to the door. It would be so easy to fling himself at the broad back, to scratch, tear and rip his throat out with his bare hands. It would be so easy to do it with this man who was so confident and (dare he say it) trusting towards him. “Do you have to be this goody two shoes?” Levi strode over to the lone wardrobe and wrenched open the drawer, grabbing out a uniform and trying to shake out the dust that had accumulated.

“I’m the goody two shoes?” Erwin cast a glance over his shoulder and smirked, “Says the man who revoked his criminal ways and joined my legion. Now get dressed and be on the training field in five minuets.” With a final wave of his hand Erwin was gone, leaving Levi to pull on his clothes and curse under his breath.

He really needed to get a grip and kill the bastard.   

**

To say he was proud of himself was a bit of an understatement. Not only had he been down at the training field within three minuets, he had also been able to show a couple of recruits their place beneath him and make a few snide remakes to the piece of shit (and his company which was the towering gargantuan man that always seemed to be Erwin’s personal guard dog). To give the sonofabitch credit though he held a light gaze that only grew stern when Levi managed to dislocate the arm of a new recruit.

“Levi,” Erwin had growled dangerously low, “Enough.”

That word, that one word that seemed to be used in addition to his name. _Enough, Levi. Enough is enough Levi, that’s enough Levi_ …. On and on the ox droned that word through him. Wasn’t it enough that he had cornered him like a snared rabbit, threatened him and his comrades, had him pinned down and ruffed up to gain his obedience and then had the audacity to chastise him for what he had adapted to.

So it was only natural for Levi to respond in the only manner he knew how. “Fuck you.” He rolled his eyes and turned back to the soldier lying on the ground, writhing in agony with light tears steadily beginning to soak his face. “If you learned how to grapple right this wouldn’t be an issue. You fell right into my parry and then are shocked when I take you down?”

“It – it- it was a tr-training- exercise!” the soldier breathed, tears forming huge clumps and staining the fine boned features of the boy.

“Still-“

“ _Enough_ , Levi!” Erwin boomed, striding over to him with three long steps and breathing out harshly through his nose. “Help him up and get him to the infirmary!” Erwin glowered at Levi and quickly raised a hand, smirking as a man bigger than him grasped Levi about the waist and jerked the petite man up off the ground and growled into his ear.

“Not this fucker again!” Levi squirmed momentarily until the brute of a man behind him tightened his grip and threatened to break him in two.  Past experiences of having his head dunked into a puddle of water and held there by this man had made his body cease its struggle and instead fix Erwin with a disgusted look.

“Help him.” Erwin nodded once and pointed at the still sobbing soldier and with a grunt the wonder bloodhound holding him shoved him towards the man, glowering as Levi held out a hand and cleared his throat impatiently.

The boy (because God he couldn’t have been more than sixteen and completely blind to the harsh realities of the world) quivered and looked deep into the ice cold and jaded eyes of the thug and slowly extended his good arm, whimpering as Levi grasped onto it and jerked him upright with a quick motion. The whimper turned into a screech when Levi used his other hand to grasp at the dangling arm and hold it to the kids’ side.

“Now get moving.” Erwin huffed out, pointing almost dramatically towards HQ where the infirmary would be (if a small room at the back of the HQ could be classified as a sick ward). “And Levi,” Erwin added as he passed by slowly with the staggering and sobbing soldier, “Show the boy some goddamn sympathy.”

Erwin didn’t curse often but when he did, Levi had come to recognize it as a ‘move your ass’ statement. And like it or not he had agreed to this, agreed to practically be this mans whipping boy for the remainder of his life. Barely restraining the grumble that threatened to pass his lips, he gingerly lead the boy into the stone building with one hand gently on the dislocated arm and the other wrapped around the slender waist of adolescence to help the pain ridden boy stand and walk relatively straight. With weary steps the two slowly found themselves at the door of the infirmary, breathing heavily and (Levi at least) grateful to be out of sight from Erwin and friend.

Momentarily he let the thought linger about leaving the boy here on the floor, returning to Smith with a cocky smirk and finally battling the man and slaughtering him there in front of everyone. With a shake of his head and a grimace though he raised a lithe foot higher, balancing both his weight and the boys on his remaining leg and with a small amount of force kicked the door open. The heavy scent of decay, and antiseptics raced through him and made his body tense. There was nothing so unclean in this world than a sick room.

“What in the name of Wall Maria is going on?!” a woman clad in a white lab coat came stumbling out from a small back room, her glasses slightly askew and her face drawn and cynical from years of doing the same routine.

“Dislocated shoulder.” Levi grunted, blinking up at her and then looking over to the empty beds wistfully.

“Put him on one, and be quick!” she hurried back into the back room and disappeared from sight.

Clutching the boy and practically dragging him over to the nearest bed Levi hefted the whimpering bundle onto the bed and straightened out his legs into what he hoped would be a more comfortable position.  He was ordered to give sympathy, and by god this snot nosed kid was going to get fucking sympathy.

“Hurts….” The kid groaned, his good arm twisting and grasping in the sheets in a desperate effort to relieve the pain.

“Yeah, yeah.” Levi stilled the kids writhing hand and held it still against the cool sheets, “It’s just a dislocated shoulder- I’ve seen worse.” Hell – he’d _had_ worse. “The doctor will come right over and fix you up.”  

“Move aside!” the doctor barked, shoving Levi aside and ignoring the glare he shot her. Using gloved hands she finished pining up her snow white hair and turned her full attention to the moaning patient. Taking his injured shoulder in hand she gently rotated his arm whilst simultaneously prodding at the socket, pursing her lips and grimacing at the yelps and feel.

Setting down the arm and giving the boy a soothing pat on his stomach she turned to Levi and frowned, looking down her hawk like nose at him. “The good news,” she began, “Is that his arm isn’t dislocated.” She took a threatening step towards Levi and scowled at him and his defensive posture, “The bad news is that the joints been fractured.”

Well shit. That explained why there had been the extra cracking as he exerted force on the joint, why the boy had been in so much agony for so long. “What’s going to be done?” he murmured, allowing the tiniest form of sympathy to race across his face.

“Me and the new girl will set his arm, then it’s off to the capital with him.” The nurse turned back around and raised her voice, “Zoë!”

The sound of shuffling feet and curses quickly muttered made Levi glance up and stare with a mixture of wonderment and confusion at the gangly woman staggering about the infirmary. She was slightly taller than him (not that it was harder to be taller than him) and with the fitness of a soldier who had already been out of the walls and been fighting. Her hands came up quickly to release her glasses from their perch in her dark brown hair.

“Oh!” she breathed, smiling broadly at Levi and giving him a small wave before turning to the doctor and patient. “You didn’t tell me we had company!”

“It’s a patient.” The doctor growled, clearly unmoved and agitated by the new comer. “And a gawker.” She cast Levi another dirty look to which he simply shrugged at.

“I was ordered to stick with him.” Levi offered, “I’m assuming that there was no other doctor besides your cynical ass?”

To his utter surprise the girl began barking out in uncontrollable laughter as she moved to stand closer to the patient and inspect him clinically. “You sure are an asshat aren’t you?” she smiled at him.

Levi stared at her long and hard for a moment, debating about how to react to her statement. Part of him wanted to hit her, but another part of him wanted to laugh right with her because he _was_ an asshole and a half.

“Zoë!” the doctor snapped, clucking impatiently as she grabbed the boys bad arm. “Hold him still while I probe the area and cast it.” The doctor wasted no time at all in digging her fingers into the area and searching.

“So what happened to him?” Zoë asked, pressing down harder on the boys torso as he pulled and yelped, half delirious with pain.

“Training accident.” Levi muttered, narrowing his eyes and inwardly daring one of them to shout accusations.

“Sure,” Zoë rolled her eyes and pressed down even harder as the boy writhed even more as the elderly doctor began her passes with the casting wraps, tightening slightly with each turn and giving a quick yet professional tug to knot the wrap. “Because all trainees break someone’s arm at some point. Did it all the time when I was in training.” Levi didn’t miss the roll of her eyes, nor how her sloppy ponytail bounced.

“I don’t appreciate sarcasm.” He quipped back, because it was easier to not give a shit about these people who had forced his hand.

“And I don’t appreciate smart asses.” Zoë smirked at him and slowly let up on the now quivering boy, laying her hands on her hips as the doctor began to slather some sort of gel on the bandages. “Don’t you have a C.O. to report to?” she cocked her head and grimaced, “Let me guess….your hiding out in here?”

“Not for long.” The doctor glared at Zoë renewed fire and hissed, “Both of you get the hell out.”

Levi had a knack for saying the wrong thing or pissing people off – hell- he’d made a career out of it. But when this doctor told him to move his survival instinct kicked in and made him follow Zoë into the hall and stand silently in wonderment of what to do next. Logic dictated that he should go back to the training field, resume his work and throw more quips at Erwin but right now he wanted nothing more than to go to the showers and clean up.

If living underground had taught him one thing it was that cleanliness meant a longer life and survival.

“I’m Zoë Hanji by the way.” She extended a hand and looked slightly disappointed when Levi failed to grasp it. “Finished training about a year ago and now here I am. I’m head researcher.” She shrugged, “And you?”

Levi scowled and scoffed, “Levi, just started unfortunately.” He looked her up and down and cocked his head, “What exactly do you research?”

“Well Erwin says that I’m-“ at the sound of the bastards name Levi tuned her out, turning on his heel to stride off into the showers. Good god he could already feel the searing heat easing his muscles of their tenderness, lulling him into relaxation and helping him catch up on sleep when he snuck back to his room- “Hey! Levi!”

Well….. shit.

“What?” he growled out, casting her a haphazard glance over his shoulder.

“Ditching training?” she winked knowingly and put a delicate finger to her lips, “Someone might be informed if you don’t give me the deal with you being here.”

“Deal?” he tensed, breathing steadily and reminding himself that this was neither the time nor place to send anyone else to the infirmary.

”Yeah, everyone’s got a reason they’re here.” She shrugged, “Whether it’s because of glory, vengeance, curiosity or force we all came here because we’re crazy.” She took a few more steps towards him and smiled warmly.

“Crazy huh?” Levi shrugged, her deal was a lot less deadly than many others he’d been offered in the past (and probably would be in the future if everyone here was crazy). “There’s nothing remotely special about me. I came because I was….. _needed_.” He hissed out the word and resumed walking.

“Oh!” she gasped, keeping pace with him, “There was no parting remark of vulgarity?” she stopped walking altogether and smirked.

“Yeah.” Levi grimaced, “Fuck off, it’s my business why I’m here.” And with that he quickened his pace and made sure that he was far away from the freak Hanji Zoë and better yet – farther away from Erwin.

**

It was amazing how good the shower had felt on his body. To be able to feel clean again had eased a part of him and made him less tense. In hindsight he should have knew that outside the door Erwin would be waiting, grimmer than ever and pissed to all hell. But then hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it?

“Fuck you.” He spat before Erwin could get a word in, before he could start the fight.

“No thank you,” Erwin reached out and with a large calloused hand trapped Levi’s upper arm in his grip, wincing as the warm flesh bent easily and darkened without hesitation. “Levi…” he visibly swallowed and looked all too uncomfortable, “We need to talk.”

“Then talk.” Levi scowled, narrowing his eyes and giving in as Erwin took the lead and pulled him up the stairs and into his room. The same room he had been pulled from this very morning with no pomp and circumstance, the same room that was cleaner than the entire HQ and completely organized. Taking a seat on the bed Levi glared distastefully at Erwin and spoke gruffly, “What the hell Smith?”

“I wanted to apologize,” Erwin raised a hand, shifting tensely between his two feet and looking up at Levi with sincere blue eyes. “It was unfair of what I did – what I expected you to be so soon. I knew that there would be some animosity between us because of how I persuaded you-“

“Persuaded?” Levi chortled, “More like forced.”

“Forced….” Erwin frowned and continued, “But I should never have pushed you into camaraderie this early on with your peers. I’ve been unfair to you all things considered; I’m hoping that we can start to mend things? Even if just a little.”

Levi stayed silent for a long while, his mind whirling with the thought that this ass had the nerve to stand there and – and do this. If he thought that this would make them best friends then he was sorely mistaken.

Erwin sighed and murmured, “I’m trying to say that I royally fucked up Levi.” Another moment of silence as the words sunk in for them both.

“Join the club,” Levi muttered, uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn. “I should have done things different and then I wouldn’t be here.” Levi took another breath and looked Erwin in the eyes. _I should have killed you, I should have done it then and there so that I wouldn’t be lying to your face now – ensnaring you so that I can do it and slip away tonight….._ “But that was the past and this is now.” 

Erwin hesitated for a moment before smiling softly.  “Thank you, Levi.” With a last kind look Erwin turned and headed out the door, “Rest up today so that you’ll be ready to work tomorrow. If Hanji thinks you look like hell then that’s saying something. ” It was then and there that Levi added Zoë Hanji onto his kill list.

When he was gone Levi began to internally map out the HQ and the times when lights out would be called and who would be patrolling. It was decided, Erwin Smith died tonight.   

                     

** 

Keeping quiet had always been his best attribute. Even in the pitch darkness and when anyone else would stagger about Levi knew how to move. He knew how his feet should fall and how his body should be supple to bend around objects, he knew how to memorize the layout of a building to use during the dark nights. Moving as quickly as he could in the blackness, Levi thanked whatever higher power was siding with him tonight and keeping the other soldiers away from him and blissfully asleep in their beds.

Coming to the door that led to the infirmary he paused, breathing in the heavy air and relishing for a brief moment in the finality of these actions. Steeling himself he gently turned the knob on the door and eased it open, flinching at the sound of squeaks and rebellious creaks. The plain infirmary was lighted by the dim glow of candles; the elderly doctor lay on a cot in the back of the room snoring blissfully away, her patient by courtesy of him also dreaming in contentment.

Stepping lightly he left the door open as a means of quick escape, his feet carrying him lithely into the back room where earlier on the doctor had retreated to fetch supplies. Gathering his senses around him he slowed his breathing and feasted his eyes on the medicine cabinets that lay before him – unlocked and all too enticing. Lithe fingers grabbed the handle and gently pulled the glass door free, relishing in the variety of choices he could make. Some thugs made their kills with poisons; Levi was not one of them. He had always preferred to take a life by his own hand, and if truth be told he had never been very good with knowing poisons, dosages and how not to be swindled by greedy herbologists.

Scanning the vials in the small amount of light that was available he began to mentally pick out which ones he knew for a fact were deadly. Morphine, arsenic, some barbiturates and other things with complicated names such as pentobarbital, which to Levi sounded potentially hazardous. Eventually he settled for a vile filled with a viscous liquid that seemed to have the best of all the medicines (and a helluva lot easier to carry than six individual vials).  Even if it took him a couple of tries Levi knew that he could kill the bastard off with this, even if the poison failed he still had the glass tube to break and slit the mans throat with.

“I hope that you’re not planning on doing any harm with that.” He spun around hastily at the sound of Zoë’s voice, scowling as he saw her face turning into laughter at the sight of him.

“Shut up!” he hissed, carefully palming the tube in his hand and grimacing at her shrill voice, “You’ll wake her up!” he glared at Zoe, willing her to move or even better yet pass the fuck out.

“Relax Levi,” she smirked in a way that reminded Levi of a cat prowling for its prey, “She’ll be out till sunrise.” Hanji stopped suddenly and cocked her head. “Is whoever you’re gonna use that on sick or something?”

Scowling, Levi snarled at her in reply. Go figure she also would know Erwin, that she would also be like his fucking lap dog and obey everything without a second-

“Oh…. You know, if you’re trying to kill someone with that you’d have better luck choosing another vile. The one you’re holding now is penicillin.” At Levi’s blank stare she smiled, walking forward to hover over him and reach into the cabinet. “That’s what we use on patients with open wounds to prevent infection – ah! See here?” she held up a vile directly in front of Levi’s nose and swiped the penicillin from his hand. “This is good in small doses, but in larger ones it’ll kill someone in ten minuets.” She jiggled it in front of him tantalizingly and gave another shrill laugh as he took it and glared at her.

“What the hell are you playing at?” he snarked, feeling giddy now that she was stepping aside.

“Things get pretty boring so I have to make my own entertainment.” Zoë smiled and shrugged, “I really want to experiment on titans but… well, it’s hard when you don’t have any support.” Her countenance grew downcast and or a split second Levi suddenly felt awful for her.

At least for a while he’d had two others who he could share a drink with once in a while. Those two would probably follow him outside the walls if he told them too. Every idea he’d had was a good one. Levi inwardly groaned as he shifted from foot to foot. Coming here had been a huge mistake. Dare he say it – he was beginning to _doubt_ what he had become from years of living underground and doing criminal activities.

“Zoë,” he offered, grasping the vile tightly, “I’m sure-“

“It’s Hanji.” She beamed back, her usual happy and over enthusiastic self already. “Zoë is such a dull name.” she cocked her head and made a shooing motion with her hands, “Now get! Go drug whoever you’re going to drug!” she winked at him as he moved towards the exit, “And Levi,” simply throwing her a glance over his should sufficed as she continued, “Make the pompous ass pay.”

It was then Levi decided that Hanji could come off of his shit list.

**

If creeping to the infirmary had been nerve racking it was nothing compared to standing outside of Erwin’s door with the vile and a sudden conscience crisis. For all his will to kill Erwin, Levi hadn’t actually thought of getting this far – let alone on how to get the dumb giant to _take_ the poison. Normally he would slip it in a drink but at this late hour that would be hard to do without someone noticing him brining a brandy up to Smiths room. By god there were already too many rumors for his liking on the subject of his recruitment into the Corps….

Taking a deep breath and gently laying his hands on the door he pushed it open and stepped inside, shutting it with a small click and turning his attention to the billowing shape lying prone on the bed, blissfully asleep and oblivious for once to the danger that was at his door.

_Plug his nose and force it down his throat,_ some childish part of him whispered.

Allowing his body to move of its own accord throughout the familiar room he easily dodged the chairs and coffee table that Erwin insisted were necessary. It was a small room with an even smaller bathroom off to the side and really only practical enough to hold a bed and _maybe_ one other desk and chair. Smith however, had apparently crammed even more furniture into the small space, and had so conveniently added a bulky nightstand on the side of his bed, the hard wood welcoming Levi’s shin and offering a decent amount of pain.  

Grunting despite himself he stilled as Erwin’s breathing changed from its sleep pattern to one of a semi awake being. This was a special operation; it wasn’t like the indelicacies of the underworld where he could simply snap his neck. This required more stealth and cunning than he’d had to use in a long while, this required him to be soft and quick, this would require Erwin to stay-

“Levi?” the deep voice was clouded by grogginess and it took everything that Levi had to resist from slitting Erwin’s throat wide open. “What are you….” A small yawn overtook the usually too stoic man, “doing?” wiping sleep from those blue eyes he stared at Levi in neutrality, maybe an ounce of curiosity as well.

“I…” Levi looked down at the vile, then back at Erwin, his mind turning and searching for an answer. “I brought you something.” His voice tightened and dropped, his body tensed and his heart began to beat out a staccato rhythm as Erwin sat up.

“What is it?” Erwin was shrouded in darkness, his outline only barley visible in the smoky illumination from the moon.

“I wanted to apologize so I….” Levi looked down and paused for a theatrical effect. “I brought you something I’ve been saving.” He reached down and uncorked the vile, then handed it out to Erwin in the dark.

As Erwin’s thick fingers gently took the tube Levi could see the unspoken tension rolling off of the man. “It smells funny,” Erwin remarked holding the tube still and his outline tightening. “And why is it in a medical vile?”

“There’s not a lot of container options in the underground,” Levi remarked caustically, freezing when he realized what he’d spat out. “It’s a different type of alcohol. I want you to have it.” Levi licked his lips and closed his eyes in anticipation.

“Thank you,” Erwin murmured, “Levi I- I can’t possibly accept this.”

“Please.” Levi hissed, growing more and more agitated every minuet – no – second that Smith didn’t chug it down. “Please, I want you to have it.” Years of experience had taught him that the longer Smith hesitated the slimmer the chance was of getting even a master strategist like himself to take the drink.

“Won’t you take a sip?” God he was good no wonder they picked him as the next Commander.  Levi tried to slow his trembling fingers and stop the liquid from sloshing onto him in his haste. One small sip wouldn’t kill him. One small sip... He tried to stifle the obnoxiously loud gurgle as a small amount of sickly sweet liquid pour down his throat, leaving a bitter trail. Placing the vile away from his lips he finished swallowing and extended it out to Erwin.

“If I was going to kill you do you really think I would pick poison?” he shrugged, licking his lips clean of the awful traces and letting out a mental sigh of relief as Erwin took the vile in his gargantuan hands.  

“I don’t know,” Erwin gave a miniscule smile, looking down to the liquid, “would you?”

“No.” Levi snorted all too quickly, “Too much effort and ways for it to go wrong. If you’re going to kill someone, kill them. Look them in the eye and watch them die.” He felt himself cringe at the hypocrisy. Of all the things in his life past, present and future he was positive that killing people would be something he was always uneasy to do – not that he would ever flinch but he would always end up scrubbing his skin harder during a washing or becoming even more introverted for a time. To take a life was something to be done only in the most desperate of times and you made sure it was worth it. For right now though he was content with murdering Erwin Smith in a cowardly way.

“I find that somewhat admirable.” Erwin murmured, looking at Levi with a slight awe, “But why exactly are you here?” he almost whispered, looking deeply into Levi’s grey eyes and frowning. “I didn’t peg you for the type to so easily attempt reconciliation.”

“I’m not here to reconcile.” Levi frowned, gesturing to the bottle, “You’re right Erwin. You fucked up. I’m here to show you that I meant what I said. The past is the past.” He hoped that the ox took the bait, that this would be the last conversation he would have. Erwin would choke it down and die, then in the morning Levi would escape. Back to the underground, back to the life that didn’t make him doubt himself and twist his philosophies.  

He almost sang in relief as Erwin tipped the glass back and chugged the liquid, grimacing as the last of it oozed down his throat. “That was,” Erwin grimaced again and looked at Levi almost softly, “…Strange….” He smiled.

“It’s the aftertaste,” Levi shrugged, feigning knowledge of how taking the liquid every day would be. “Erwin-“ he broke off as he strove to find the right words. “We all fuck up.” And without another word he turned his back to the man and fled back to the safety of his bed.

**

“Erwin wants you.” Three words that made Levi cringe and die a little inside rang throughout the mess hall. This had been a mistake. He should never have come down here to get some food in him before disappearing, he should have slit the bastard’s throat and left last night, he should have- “He sounds pretty upset.”

At that Levi froze. Even in this short time he had come to realize Erwin was many things. One thing he never was outwardly though was upset.

Finally curling up in his bed, Levi breathed out a harsh sigh and rubbed his face. He had never doubted himself. He had never wondered if he was doing the _right_ thing because in his opinion – he always did the _wrong thing_. He’d never hesitated and had learned to live with the outcomes; he thought highly of human life- hell he was nicer than many in the Underground.

Being in the Survey Corps however had suddenly changed everything.

Bringing himself up the stairs he stood in front of Erwin’s door and knocked on the door. _Hurry up, get the bastards last wishes over with and then leave,_ his mind chanted.

“Come in.” the usually strong voice weakly resounded against Levi’s skull.

Stepping inside he immediately grimaced and felt his stomach churn at the scent of sickness and lethargy.

“Levi…” Erwin murmured, slowly patting the side of the bed. Levi slowly made his way to the future Commander’s side, trying to seem more indifferent then he was. “You…. Are perhaps…. The biggest asshole I’ve ever met.” The man grunted, his blue eyes flying open as he lurched up and propelled himself off of the bed, hitting the floor and flying into the bathroom at record speeds.

Levi did his best to ignore the bitter sting of those words – tried his hardest to not care about the…. Less than dignified sounds coming from the bathroom. “ _I’m_ the asshole?” he snapped, “I didn’t come onto your turf, have my goons try to drown you and then belittle you by threatening others.” Levi gave a feral snarl and waited as the sounds only increased in volume.

“No,” Smith coughed in between heaves, “You just decided to try and kill me.”

At that Levi froze. The game was up. He’d lost his chance to try and be suave about this. Now he’d have to kill him his way. The right way. “What the hell do you mean by that?” Levi replied, palming the dagger he always kept in his boot and creeping towards the occupied bathroom.

“Did you honestly,” another loud heave, splat and cough, “Think that I wouldn’t suspect you were the reason-“ a splat interrupted his sentence and Levi heard the man give a harsh cough, clearing his airways, “for the state I’m in?”

“I expected you to be dead you bastard.” Levi stopped at the entrance of the room, blade in hand and steeling himself for the battle and escape that would ensue. “It was supposed to kill you.”

Erwin barked out in laughter, his head buried in a basin to catch the vomit and his hands bracing himself up from the small sink. “Of course.” Erwin shakily stood and turned to look down at Levi, his gaze unreadable. One large foot took a small step but ceased when his face turned a sickly shade of green and the man collapsed back to the safety of the bucket, heaving once more in a rhythmic pace.

“You’re so weird.” Levi frowned, narrowing his eyes.

“You’re one to talk.” Erwin heaved out, smirking when his body gave him the chance. “You were a thug. You didn’t care that you killed people, you just survived. Now you care so much to come here and see me off. For Christ’s sake, it took you long enough to gear yourself up.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Levi growled. “For one I’ve never killed people without feeling a thing. I always feel something. For fucks sake I can kill the meanest motherfucker and even then I always feel the slightest twinge of loss for killing another living being.” Levi clenched the knife tighter, “But for some reason- Walls only know why- I fought with myself more on killing you than I have anyone else.”

Erwin twisted his head sideways to look at Levi tiredly. “Then why did you hesitate… why are you hesitating?” he murmured, breathing out unevenly and closing his eyes.

Levi scowled, loosening his hold on his knife as it hit him. _Because nothing will ever go back to the way it was…_

“Because no matter what you do there’s no forgetting this – the Scouting Legion- what we have to offer.” Erwin murmured. “We all go through it Levi.”

“What? Being an ass hat?” Levi deadpanned.

“’Why am I here?’ ‘Why did I do this?’ ‘How can I get out of it?’ Believe me we all go through it.”

Glaring at Erwin, trying to draw up any and all reason to kill him Levi couldn’t find any. He was right. No matter how this ended, what he did, going back would never be the same. He would be hunted by everyone, he wouldn’t have any more meals set before him, no clean water or open air or anything really. Killing Erwin wouldn’t give him that back. Ergo, killing Erwin was unnecessary and if there was anything that Levi absolutely loathed more than dirty things it was unnecessary deaths.

“Go on,” Erwin muttered, drawing himself up and feverishly staring down Levi, “I won’t stop you if you try to kill me.”

A long moment of silence passed where neither made a move and both continually assessed the pros and cons of doing so. It was only broken when Levi growled, pushed his knife back into his boot and stepped aside, biting down on his inner cheek so viciously that the coppery tang of blood invaded his mouth.

“You fucker.” He growled, casting Erwin a look of such loathing that the man seemed genuinely shocked. “Consider this your last warning. I am not above killing you, next time I’ll do it I _will_ not hesitate.”

Erwin gave him a small smile and gathered up his strength to stagger past Levi and tumble into his bead with a groan.

“You understand dumbass?” Levi muttered, going to the front door and waiting for the response that was sure to come.

“Yes, Levi.” Erwin let out an audible sigh and cast him another long stare, “I think I understand your conflictions more than you give me credit for.” Erwin closed his eyes tiredly and gave a halfhearted shrug. “I suppose we can talk more when you next try to kill me.”

Levi frowned and quickly opened the door, throwing himself into the hall and taking a deep breath of the clean – albeit stale – air.

“Trouble with the princess?” Levi cursed as Hanji’s voice broke through the sublime stillness. “I heard Erwin was feeling under the weather, I came to lend a hand.” She held up a small vile filled with clear liquid that sloshed around with every movement.

“He’s not fucking dead.” Levi cast her an accusatory glare that she simply smirked at.

“Oh what a shame,” the sarcasm was practically dripping off of her voice, “Guess it wasn’t enough to bring down a six foot tall, healthy man.” She barked out into a hysterical laughter as Levi’s face darkened. “Better luck next time I suppose. Did you two talk out your drama?”

“You conniving bitch.” He snarled, turning on his heel and walking away from her.

Hanji Zoë had officially made it back onto his shit list, right alongside Erwin Smith. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be easier this time but it wasn't. Erwin was supposed to die but he didn't. And now.... now he lay dying and it was unplanned. And that was what upset Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst galore ahead. Not so much violence in this one but the next chapter will be heavily filled with action. You have my promise. I made many references to the Levi spinoff so if there are any questions about characters, etc, then google it or read the novel. 
> 
> Spoilers for Ch. 40+ manga wise and the "Levi" spinoff series. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Levi cast Erwin a soft glance. The once strong and unmovable man was now lying prone; sallow skin and burning with a fever that threatened to take away the man who was valiantly fighting. The same man who had lost an arm and still continued fighting. The same man who would gladly give his life if it meant saving humanity. The same man who never hesitated and who was always upfront and honest about the situation.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

Erwin twisted slightly and let out a pained murmur, face condensing into something that lay between the line of horror and hallucinations. Without any hesitation or doubt, Levi grabbed the cloth that had been soaking in an ice cold bowl. Ringing it out he gently placed it on Erwin’s brow and frowned as the heat soaked through the cold to tease his fingers.

Fevers could be good and bad. The right amount of time in one could rid the body of illness, too long however and you would end up dead. Back in the Underground (or Old Days as he had come to classify it) there were many driven out of their minds by fevers. There had been one child- A girl of maybe six or seven, lying in the draining sewer and panting with the effort of simply keeping her eyes open. In two days she was reduced to nothing more than a vegetable, staring blankly at travelers until one day she was gone. Another child had lost their vision, their hearing and had wandered aimlessly about for as long as he could remember.

Another groan from Erwin followed by a muffled cough sent Levi into a near panic. Once upon a time he had tried to murder the Commander, had nearly succeeded but stopped every time. Though it hadn’t been intentional Levi suspected that somewhere along the line he had come to acknowledge Erwin like he had Isabelle and Farlan; the closest thing he would ever have to a friend. Hell at this point in the game he could probably go as far as to say that Erwin was like fucking family to him.

Erwin kept him grounded, remained a constant reminder that he had changed. Erwin was always there to set him straight.

 _“Remember to show your emotions more outwardly, you’re a hard book to read at the best of times,”_ Erwin would chant. Or Levi’s personal favorite: _“Enough, Levi.”_ The word ‘enough’ seemed to be Erwin’s go to word when he was exasperated or too tired to thoroughly explain the situation to Levi.   

“Wake up bastard,” Levi murmured, trailing his hand down the strong jaw line to rest on the thick neck. His fingers sought out the perfect stop and became limp as a steady march drummed against them. This was all he had now, all that was left to set him on the right path should he ever stumble again.

Grant it – he hadn’t stumbled in a few years but still, there was always that fear of going back to what he didn’t want to be anymore. Some may have called him soft (he dreaded to think what the Underground would say if they saw him now) but he realized that in joining forces with Erwin he had become stronger. He had always fought for self preservation and only that; but now, now he could fight to accomplish something. To help humanity survive and get as many people as he could through this war.

Levi softened his gaze as Erwin stilled again, his breathing evening out until there was nothing but a short rasp at the end of each inhalation.

“Wake up bastard,” he murmured again, “Remember? You’re supposed to die at my hands, not like this. At least wake up so I can kill you.”

* * *

 

_ Five years ago _

“I’m impressed Levi,” Erwin gave a wry smile and brought a hand up to straighten the new tie that lay about his neck, “You’ve gone six months without any attempts on my life.”

Levi stared coldly at the newly appointed Commander and held back the multitude of retorts on his tongue. When Erwin turned to leave however, his words came tumbling out of his mouth like vomit.

“You can thank Hanji for that.” Levi bit out, “I hope you realize your fellow Squad Leader is mentally cracked.”

“Hanji is definitely unique,” Erwin agreed, turning around to meet the cold grey eyes of Levi. “But she is good at what she does, and is…. Very keen to learn more about everything.”

“Hm,” Levi offered, folding his arms across his chest and rolling his eyes, “Go figure you’d appreciate her enthusiasm for doping you with God knows what.”

“In all fairness she did not have anything to do with the doping,” Erwin pointed out bluntly, “That all fell on you. I for one am quite happy that she decided to give you that vial instead of one of the lethal ones.” Erwin gave a small smile and departed without another word.

Levi stood still for a moment, feeling the chilly air of the HQ bite bitterly into his exposed skin like thousands of knives.  Scoffing, Levi turned on his heel and walked towards the mess hall, intent on using the last minuets of his woefully limited time to grab some tea and hopefully recalibrate his thoughts so that _something_ would start making sense around here.

Ignoring the stares of fellow recruits (because saying ‘peers’ was too personal and giving them too much credit) and instead casting them a few glares that clearly read ‘fuck you’ in their directions he made it to the mess hall without a knife stuck in his back or any followers.

When he first stepped through the mess hall doors however, he was reminded of how much he hated any form of dirt. Filth was a breeding ground for ailments, it was a deadly environment that would kill anyone just as brutally as a titan would. Back in the Underground, when he was younger and still naïve to the dangers of filth, he had rummaged through a corpse that was lying in the puddles of sewer water. At the time he’d only thought of how cold he was and how the dead body wouldn’t need those clothes anymore, with the delicacy of a surgeon he’d eased the clothes off of the body and quickly pulled them onto his. The last thing he fully remembered was the gag worthy stench of feces and death. By day two of wearing those raggedy cloths he was raging war within his own body. Every morsel of food was heaved from his body, the already stale water coagulated in his gut until he felt bloated and disgusting.

Being the soft child he was back then he had crawled into a ditch to conceal himself from predators and had closed his eyes; when he awoke a sharp boned woman was forcing a bitter liquid down his throat. Whenever he awoke it was to her plugging his nose and forcing various things down his throat, when he finally became more lucid he began to notice how thin she became over the days. When he could finally stand again she was weary and unstable on her feet, he’d tried to repay her for her unusual kindness but was stopped short when one day she collapsed into what at first seemed to be a peaceful rest. She burned with fever and never woke once, by the next morning she was completely still and gazed upon him with glassy eyes. In retrospect it was then that he began to value cleanliness over anything else.

So in being in this room, this room that held food and water supplies, and finding it utterly covered in dust and muddy boot tracks made his skin crawl. Forgoing the tea he instead turned to the small broom closet and opened the door, gathering the necessary items and turning to being the monstrous task of cleaning the room.

* * *

 

Erwin was writing his final report to the Supreme Commander when Hanji burst in. In typical Hanji fashion her hair was a tangled knot that only vaguely resembled a ponytail, her eyes were wide with excitement and her breath and movements were erratic at best.

“Erwin you have no idea what I’ve just seen!” she gasped, throwing her hands on his desk and frowning slightly. That was his first warning. Zoë Hanji never frowned, not unless shit had hit the fan.  “It’s really odd – even by my standards and that’s saying something so-“

“Hanji,” he abandoned the pen and raised a hand, stilling her movements with a small gesture and gave what he hoped to be a reassuring look, “Calm yourself, start slowly and from the beginning.”

“Well first I was born, and then my mother decided to-“ she gasped and looked at him, “Do you think that I could borrow Levi and maybe test him? See if it’s something that’s wrong with his brain? Or maybe it’s to do with hormones…. Maybe I could take some blood-“

Erwin frowned and looked at her thoughtfully, “Well, I don’t think that Levi would be too keen on the idea of being stuck with a needle by you.”

“Oh!” she gasped, slamming her hands on his desk and shaking the ink jar. “But Erwin you have no idea on how crazy I think he actually is!” she slowed down enough to murmur coherently and looked sternly into his eyes. “Do you even _know_ what he’s doing? He’s crazy!”

“Hanji.” Erwin growled out, warning her that this was going to far. “I’ll remind you that he is your comrade, Levi is no crazier than you or I and I can vouch that you are safe-“

“Erwin he’s doing something right now in the mess hall that is completely and utterly unsettling to me and the troops!” she snapped, eyes growing wide as some part of her brain – the part that Erwin never wanted to have any knowledge or insight too – was working through all the acceptable methods of cornering Levi and experimenting on him.

“Is he poisoning the food and or water?” Erwin spoke slowly, calmly, like a Commander should.

“No but-“

“Then why should anyone be unsettled by his actions.” Erwin folded his hands and reminded himself that his troops came first, no matter how pressing the report was.

“Because it’s weird!” Hanji gasped out, “It’s unnatural!” she heaved in a breath and coughed.

“What is he doing then?” Erwin sighed, setting his letter aside into a drawer and blinking up at her tiredly. “What is Levi doing that is so upsetting to my troops?”

“He’s _cleaning!_ ” she spoke the word like an obscenity and Erwin almost gave in to full blown laughter instead of his chuckling.

* * *

 

Levi stepped back to admire the near spotless floor, relishing in the slight shine that encompassed the stone floor. Stretching his back out he let out a breathy sigh and cast another sharp glare at the tables. Those were next. With wrinkled hands from the soapy water he picked up another rage and dipped it into the luke warm water. When it was sufficiently wet he plopped it onto the nearest wooden table and began to scrub in earnest.

“I heard you were doing something unsettling,” Levi jolted upwards and turned to look up into Erwin’s eyes. “But I never pegged you as the cleaning type.” Erwin gave a small smile that to some could pass as sympathetic; Levi however only saw it as a note of humor.

“Just because I lived in that filth doesn’t mean that I _enjoyed_ it.” Levi growled, narrowing his eyes and turning back to scrub feverishly at the table. “Disgusting.” He muttered as the dust and dirt knocked free of the wood and began to stain the cloth.

“We do have people who clean.” Erwin pulled out a chair and sat himself down on it, watching Levi intently scrub at the dirt.

“Well obviously they don’t do a good job.” Levi growled.

“Why?” Erwin crossed his legs and settled down for a talk.

“Why what?” Levi shrugged, not meeting the asshole’s eyes.

“Why do you clean?” Levi paused at that and hesitated before making the next pass with the rag.

“I dunno.” Dipping the rag back into the bucket he renewed his efforts to clean.

“You don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?” Damn Erwin was perceptive.

“Both.” Levi grumbled, wincing as his wrinkled hands began to chaff upon contact with the wood.

“Levi,” Erwin pushed again. Levi cursed and slammed the rag onto the table with a wet slurping sound and glared at the great Commander.

“Don’t.” it wasn’t a plea, or an explanation, it was a command. A command issued from a man who barely reached Erwin’s shoulder height wise.

“I’m running out of patience,” Erwin murmured, looking at the rag and back to Levi, “I told you to trust me. I thought that the fact that I didn’t have you executed after the stunt you pulled six months ago would have proved that I trust you.”

“Or that you’re incredibly stupid.”  Levi bit back.

“Enough.” And with that word Levi felt his tongue loosen and the words tumble out.

“I’ve seen how filth destroys the body,” why the fuck was he saying this?! “Hell I’ve been sicker than you or any fuck from Sina would ever know-“ he should shut up, use the rag and bucket to drown the Commander and run. “Have you ever seen someone who’s so consumed by a fever and poxes that they just deteriorate? Have you ever had to worry because you were injured and sewer water was infecting the wound, causing it to fester and turn all sorts of colors?” Levi was panting now, uncharacteristically unhinged. “I’ve lived my entire life with that. No break, no sympathy, nothing but bastards who would see you weakened and kill you or steal from you.” Levi’s harsh breaths filled the silence for a while until Erwin eased out of his chair and towered over the shorter male.

“I’ve only ever had to worry about being eaten.” Erwin scowled down at Levi. “Remember where you are, this filth isn’t like it was _there_ , this is just dust and mud.” When Levi’s mouth opened Erwin quickly grabbed the dripping rag and leant over to run it along the table, clearing it of dust in one motion.

“Tch….” Levi frowned, cocking his head when Smith didn’t stop and merely finished the table and moved on to the next. “Don’t you have a report to write, shit head?” Levi managed to growl out through clenched teeth.

“I’m sure that the Supreme Commander will understand that my troops and their health are a first priority.” Erwin glanced back at Levi momentarily before returning to wiping down the table. “And if not then he can go fuck himself.”

Momentarily Levi was stuck in a stupor. In the time that he’d been here he’d never heard Erwin speak ill of anyone who outranked him. Levi shrugged and picked up another cloth, rinsing it and returning to a different table. Maybe the change in Erwin was for the better, after all; if Levi could change and have a drifting idea of whom he was, why couldn’t a man such as Erwin Smith?

They worked in utter silence at cleaning the tables, Erwin made no comment as to the fact that Levi was supposed to be out in training or that his paperwork had been left unattended.

* * *

 

The only warning Levi got before the clenched fist connected with his gut was the passing, snide comment, “Motherfucker.” Usually he would have been more guarded, quicker to react than he had been; and it was costing him now.

Gasping and trying to breathe and relax around the punches he cringed as a particularly hard one connected with his chest. Fighting the urge to vomit he quickly eased his body and with a sharp twisting motion flipped aside to scramble haphazardly out of range.

His blunted fingernails scraped against the cool stone floor of the hall and his feet kicked in the general direction of the assailant in hopes of warding it off.

“Sonofabitch!” the voice’s leg kicked out to catch Levi behind the knee, stopping any and all retreat as his vision went red with pain. “You stupid-“

Levi gasped and threw a snarl over his shoulder at the man. Enough was enough. This little piece of shit was going down.

“Ignorant-“ the man stupidly tried the same trick twice and was rewarded by Levi flipping his lithe leg up and into his groin. Collapsing in pain the man gagged and whimpered into the stone.

“Piece of shit.” Levi sprang up, gathering his wits about him as he delivered a swift and brutal kick to the mans shoulder. Just when he had thought he’d grown past these urges, just when he’d thought that maybe that bastard Erwin was right about _something_ this fucker showed up and destroyed whatever he’d worked for.

Levi had always prided himself on not loosing control, on not giving into the sensation of warm blood caressing his hands or the symphonic sounds of his enemies in pain. He had always known when to stop, when to pull back so that a lesson was learned or when to cripple. Now he held none of that.

The blood dripping through his clenched fingers, the man screeching and gurgling every now and again, the feel of sheer adrenaline rushing through his body at racing speeds were all too intoxicating and welcoming to deny. He saw a mixture of red and black, he smelt the coppery blood before he felt it and he heard himself give a feral shriek as someone pulled him off of the culprit.

Cold hands wrapped around his neck and clutched tightly, shutting off his air and following his movements so that no escape was possible. He lost count of the exact number of seconds the hands had been clenching his neck, all he could think of in his panic was the cruel mocking drumming of fingertips against his flesh as he weakly thrashed about.

His vision was starting to darken around the edges, small pinpricks that may or may not have been stars cluttered the rest of his eyes and his muscles suddenly felt too weak to move. So after all his theorizing that he would die in the sewers here he was, dying on the surface in the grip of a murderer.

The world spun as he heaved in a breath of air and coughed out the dryness that had invaded his lungs. Blinking repeatedly to clear his vision he was shocked to see another form prowling on the far side of the bastard who’d strangled him. _Run_. His brain echoed, a never ending mantra that seemed to evolve into _Fight_ along the way. He was outnumbered, already weakened by the bastards, he couldn’t win. Survival was to run at this moment – survival dictated that he move his lazy ass and get as far away from these people as he could. 

He was crouching before he knew what happened, his eyes darting back and forth ferally as he searched for a way out.

“Levi!” The prowling form barked, familiar yet distant. “Don’t.” Levi snarled, casting a fowl look at his attacker and potential murderer and in a blind fury lunged at the prone form on the ground.

When he had been a child, long ago and mostly repressed because shit what the hell was _good_ about his childhood? He had become primitive. He knew that not showing the pieces of shit in the Underground who was top dog brought only heartache and death in the long run. When he had been a child he had been taken to a sewer pipe by men who were looking for entertainment and held underwater until he could no longer thrash. In a flurry of fear and panic he had raised himself up enough to turn and grab a chunk out of the hand that was pushing him underwater, he’d spat the revolting flesh out and dove back in without hesitation to remind the sonofabitch that he was dangerous. It was only natural that this childish, long repressed part of him did the same thing to the man laying before him now.  People often called him a “bad person” but at least he’d never stabbed anyone in the back like the fucker on the ground beneath him.

Pulling the offending arm up to his mouth and cringing at the filth coating it Levi chocked back his gag and opened his mouth, savoring the man’s thrashing and choked back insults he leaned his head down to take a chunk out of the limb, body shivering with anticipation when a low voice echoed in his ear, “Watch it.”

That voice was like a grounding wire, pulling him away from the fight that he was involved in and reminding him of the same arms holding him underwater (though not as bad as the first time he’d been maliciously drown) against his thrashing. “You sonofa-“

The arms tightened and it was then that Levi noticed that they were shaking slightly. He looked quizzically up at the bearded face of the bloodhound (Mike, Erwin had called him?) and narrowed his eyes, preparing to fight three against one., This man had many white lined scars on his forearms, more scars over his body than most would ever obtain in their entire life, had faced titans numerous times; he shouldn’t be shaking this bad over a simple brawl.

“Watch it.” The piercing eyes looked down, boring into Levi and making him shut up almost instantly.

As if on cue a broad and dense looking man burst into the room, face red and heaving as he took in the appearance of two men on the ground before letting his gaze drift up to Levi and Mike. Beady eyes narrowed as the man clucked his tongue impatiently.

“Mike,” he grunted out, spewing his horrendous breath in Levi’s direction, “What the hell happened?” Levi tried to be sly, letting his eyes roll back to glimpse Mike staring down the portly man with eyes of venom.

“They attacked my soldier.” Mike offered. “He did not strike first, he only defended himself.” The man opened his mouth unnaturally wide to protest when Mike finished sardonically, “I was the one to lay the fuckers out on the floor.”

Levi blinked at how readily the man took all the blame.

“The Commander will hear about this!” the man snapped, kneeling by the murderous goon and casting a scathing glare at Levi. “He’ll put the rabid bitch back in it’s cage.”

As Levi attempted to surge forward Mike’s arms tightened their grip and the broad chest expanded against his back a few times before the gruff voice threw out a noncommittal sound and the footsteps carried them both past the three men and down the hall.  Had he had all of his wits together he would have let this man know exactly how displeased he was at being manhandled, carried up stairs, held to a warm body like he was an infant and- oh Christ, they were going to Erwin’s office.

“No!” Levi grimaced, pulling futilely at the arms holding him back and kicking the door in attempt to get enough of a hold to use as leverage. He almost yelled in relief as his feet connected with the hard wood. Preparing himself for the  impact he braced his muscles, clenched his teeth and with a sound halfway between a grunt and scream he swung back, missing the dog’s legs by inches and letting a frustrated growl escape his throat. For his size the brute could move quickly. Levi brought his legs up once more to use the momentum from his force to pound in the door, if he was lucky fling the man off balance forwards instead of back.

As his legs swung through the air he allowed himself a small moment of joy at the sensation and in one final attempt put his entire body into the power of his legs. Looking up suddenly when his vision cleared of all frustration he desperately tried to lessen the blow of his strike. The door had swung open and standing in the path of his attack was a completely oblivious Commander.

Blue eyes opened wide in shock as the boots connected with his gut, and his hands came up to instinctively grasp his stomach while he lurched backwards into the office. Levi and Mike followed suite, as soon as they cleared the doorway Mike dropped his burden to shut and lock the door, then crouch by Erwin’s side, loyal as ever.

Levi stood his ground, away from the two bigger men and widened his stance into a more appropriate fighting one.

“Erwin?” Mike asked, cocking his head and extending a hand downwards to help the still trembling man up.

“I’m fine.” Erwin cast a small glance at Levi, “I heard the commotion outside but I didn’t expect to be a _target_.”

Levi scoffed and rolled his eyes, “As if. You’re not that special.”

“We need to talk Erwin,” Mike glared down at Levi and then back to Erwin, “All three of us.”

“The hell we do!” Levi snapped, casting a furious look at both of the giants.

“Levi,” Erwin offered a warning and turned to Mike. “What happened?”

“Fight.” Mike looked at Levi, then to Erwin, “I’m guessing that he didn’t start it, not from the looks of his neck and the man I pulled off of him.” Levi put a hand up to cover what he was sure was purpling bruises and offered a snarl. To show weakness was to die. His other hand came up as the vicious Underground taught part of him continued to hide his injury.  

“Bastards snuck up on me.” Levi offered to a concerned looking Erwin.

“Let me see.” Erwin approached slowly, extending his hands so that Levi could see that he posed no threat. “Please, Levi.”

Had he been the same man he was six months ago Levi would have told the Commander to fuck off and then tried to kill him. But this was now. Gently he moved his hands away from his neck and allowed Erwin to see the bruises, allowed one large hand to come up and gently touch them in something that bordered between apologetic and anger.

It took a fair amount of effort to keep his hands clenched by his sides, even more so when Erwin began to touch and inspect, eyeing the worst and frowning every time his fingers passed over the worst of the bruises and Levi hissed in pain.

“Who?” Erwin murmured, still bent over to meet Levi on eye level. “Tell me.”

The words wouldn’t come out, wouldn’t break the surface of his throat so that he could tell the names. In the Underground that had been the worst crime imaginable for most: ratting out the fellow thug for a few pieces of silver or a loaf of moldy bread. “I-“ Levi chocked out, eye growing feverish as he realized that he didn’t know the names of his attackers, he only knew how to hunt them down and beat their asses into the ground. “I don’t know.” He finished lamely, glaring at Erwin and then nodding to Mike, “Maybe your dog knows.”

Mike smirked and took a long sniff of the air in the office. More theatrics than anything Levi supposed. “It was Knightly and Matthews.” Mike sniffed once more in Levi’s direction and nodded, “Definitely.” He chuckled at Levi’s raised eyebrow, “And you still smell like the sewer; the sewer and starvation and soap.” Definitely not theatrics, Levi himself was self conscious enough to smell all of that on himself.

“I’ll have to have a word with them then.” Erwin straightened up and looked down to Levi, “Go sit and wait for me.” He pointed to the chairs and watched intently as Levi eased himself down into the nearest one. “I’ll be back, Mike, stay with him.”

“Be careful Erwin,” Mike frowned slightly, “Knightly smelled off…. Sick.”

Erwin offered a small smile in understanding before he left the room, shutting the door tightly behind him.

“Who the fuck’s Knightly?” Levi scowled, clenching his hands into fists as Mike strode over to the window and looked out of it.

“The one who chocked you.”

“He didn’t seem that damn ill.” Levi scowled, a hand coming up to gently palm at his neck.

“It’s early.” Simple answers, that’s all that Mike seemed to give and Levi would be lying if he said that they pissed him off. He liked life to be like that, simple and to the point; though it rarely was.

“Oh.” Levi murmured, feeling the scraped skin of his knuckles before grimacing as the amount of dirt he was covered in suddenly hit him.

“You don’t smell ill.” Mike offered a small glance back.

“Good.” Levi leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, listening intently for any changes in Mike’s breathing or his footsteps to signal an attack.

* * *

 

“What did you say to him?” Mike’s voice was soft and subdued, with a small hint of worry.

“I handed him a court martial.” Erwin offered simply, his voice also subdued. Levi struggled to get his limbs to work, realizing with a curse that he had fallen asleep. Though maybe the positive side had been that no one had tried to slit his throat….  

“Erwin-“

“Don’t, Mike-“

“You can’t always win.” A hearty sniff filled the air and Levi struggled even more to get his limbs to cooperate. His arms sluggishly unwound themselves from the armrests of the chairs and his body straightened up in what he supposed could have been a stretch or a preparation of flight or fight.

“I don’t intend too,” Erwin let out a sigh, “What they did was unacceptable Mike, and even more so-“

“You smell ill.” Mike blurted out, the worry reaching an all time high. “Go to the infirmary.”

“Mike.” Erwin’s voice held an exasperated note in it and Levi heard the Commander let out a sigh. “I’m fine, really.”

Levi began to tighten his legs, taking a step and spinning to look intently at the two men who were conversing in the doorway.

“Why protect him?” Mike murmured, “It’s not like he’s a child, he knows how to play these games. He did it without you before.”

“Mike he might be older than us but that doesn’t mean that he knows how to play these games within the ranks of the military.” Erwin put a hand on Mike’s shoulder, “I took him out of his comfort zone, the least I could do was look out for him while he adapts.”

“And you’re doing a fine fucking job, bastard.” Levi broke the conversation to make it known that he was awake.

“Levi,” Erwin offered half in greeting and half in warning. “The problem’s resolved. I hope that this has showed you that you can come to me.”

Levi shrugged, scowling. “I think I’ve adapted thanks.”

It was Erwin’s turn to shrug, “I’d say your almost there, a few more little quirks and you become a usable soldier.” Erwin gave a wry smile and almost to himself muttered, “I wonder what would have happened had they put you through basic.”

He didn’t even form a response, just walked out the door and back to his quarters. Leaving Mike and Erwin to argue weakly back in the room.

* * *

 

_  Five days later _

“I didn’t think that you were actually human.” Levi snarked, giving into a small sadistic smile as Erwin lay propped up in the bed looking miserable. “But here you are.”

“Quit looking pleased Levi.” Erwin wheezed out, his eyes misting over as the fever dragged him under once more. “It’s unbecoming….” He trailed off into oblivion.

“Unbecoming?” Levi barked at a sharp laugh and stared down at the sick man. “Pompous ass.” He stopped, giving a slight look to the rest of the room to ensure that they were alone and rested his hand on the corner of the pillow. How easy it would be, how easy it would be to take the pillow and press it over than mans face. He would thrash a bit but in the end he would succumb to suffocation and be a mere victim of the fever. Levi could return to his life without fear of pursuit and though he wouldn’t forget this little…. Mishap he would be able to relish in the mere thought of his vindication at killing the Commander.

His hand slowly tugged at the corner like an impatient child and with delicate movements he eased half of the material from underneath Erwin’s head. He had meant it when he had said there would be no more hesitations. Smith had been right: he’d fucked up royally and was going to pay for it. The pillow came away, smacking Smith’s head against the bed and Levi took the opportunity to loosely push it against the fair face, relishing in the slight hitch in breathing; the slight tremor in the arms and the muscles that contracted to cease the obstruction if it continued.

“I’ve never understood him.” A gruff voice boomed out. Levi pivoted around on one heel, staring up at Mike with a look of pure loathing at being interrupted. “Probably never will.” The man grunted and sniffed, casting Levi an admonishing look.

“Gonna stop me?” Levi spoke; voice dangerously low and stance widening into a more appropriate fighting one. “Like a good dog?” He cursed as he realized Erwin’s breathing had returned to normal and muscles had stilled.

“Yes,” Mike frowned, “I’m not like him. I don’t understand. And I don’t necessarily want to. I was all for killing you and the others down in the sewer.”

Suddenly the blunt and once appreciated answers cut harder than they should.

“I figured.” Levi scowled, barely biting back his anger. “Are we going to do this or what?” Levi snarled, “Don’t pussy foot around me bastard. You won’t win.”

“I’m not going to fight you.” Mike snorted, “And I don’t have to win. All you have to do is kill Erwin and I’ve won.” The taller man stood straighter and cast a heavy glare down at Levi, “Who do you think keeps you alive?”

Staring blankly ahead Levi kept his mouth shut. He kept him alive. Erwin had simply bargained to get him in here, but living – breathing was his job.

“The moment Erwin dies someone will come, take you to the dungeons and kill you. Or,” Mike frowned, “I’ll be ordered to do it.”

Levi cast a glare at Erwin and then to Mike.

“In the end it’s your decision.” Mike shrugged and walked out the door, leaving Levi unattended and in a horrific inner quarrel.

“You bastard.” He breathed, ripping the pillow from his face and throwing it across the room; snarling at the sleeping man, “You sonofabitch! You fucking _knew!_ ” he hissed, flinging himself away from the man to the other end of the room where he tried to calm himself 

Levi cast a longer, more angry glare at Erwin before turning out the door and fleeing to someone who could out think Erwin, and who could lead him on the right path.

* * *

 

“The time isn’t right, Levi.” Farlan huffed out, fixing Levi with a stern glare. “You didn’t expect it to be this easy. You shouldn’t have at any rate.”

“The prick has got to die.” Levi growled out, pacing the floor and snarling at the dust and cobwebs that infiltrated his vision. “It’s gotten out of hand. I hesitated twice now!”

“Levi.” Farlan deepened his tone, got it to go lower than normal and imitate the way he would chastise his gang members – his soldiers. “The time isn’t right. It’s for survivals sake that you’ve hesitated.” He frowned and threw a glance over at the sleeping girl in the corner, “For fucks sake think about what they’d do to Isabelle if you just killed him and left. Shit, what would they do to me?” he chewed on his inner cheek and looked up at Levi.

“It shouldn’t be this hard.”

“In the past it wouldn’t have.” Farlan sighed, “But this is the present and like it or not we’re all caught in that endless debate.”

“Debate?” Levi cast an emotionless look towards his comrade.

“’Is it worth it being here’? No. Not in a million fucking years is this the best place to be. I want my freedom back. But here we have food, we have a warm place and we’re not struggling everyday, we might be prisoners and look for escape but in the end that’ll just lead to our death.” He looked down and Levi suddenly felt a wave of regret stumble over him.

Farlan stood and carefully made his way over to his own bunk, wincing as Isabelle gave a particularly loud snore. “When the right time comes, it’ll be easy.” He sighed audibly and gave a sly smile at Levi, “Besides, right now we have an opportunity to see the sky and the open world. We have the freedom to see different stars.” He crawled into the bed and turned on his side, leaving Levi to stand by his bed with his irritation ebbing.

He had never been a tactician, had never thought more than one or two steps ahead. He trusted Farlan, trusted Isabelle and knew that if they told him to wait he would. After all they were in this shit pile together, and they’d get out of it together… for better or for worse.

* * *

 

_ Present  _

Levi eased the cloth over Erwin’s face again, wincing as the heat flared and his mind inadvertently drifted to thoughts of Titans and the searing heat which they were known for.  What if Erwin died? What if there was no one else and he was stuck with the job of Commanding soldiers. Hell, it was hard being a soldier, he couldn’t imagine _commanding_ them.

Farlan would have been better at that. After all, what’s the difference between a gang and fighting a ten meter tall monster?

Fuck it – Auro would have been a fantastic fucking choice comparatively. Even with all of his blubbering and naivety and arguing. Hell even with the hero worship and fighting with Petra aside he’d be good, maybe not the best. But he’d be good until someone like Gunter or Erd or even Arlert could take over. But he was dead; they all were. And Armin was too young to take over this task effectively.

“Wake up goddamnit.” Levi laid the cloth on Erwin’s head and allowed his stoic façade to slip. He _allowed_ his head to gently lay on the sweat stained sheets, uncaring towards the filth for once. He _allowed_ himself this momentary weakness because in all the years he’d known Erwin he’d never seen him _this_ bad. “You promised.” He muttered bitterly.

An incomprehensible string of words flurried from the Commanders lips and Levi caught himself trying to understand them. He blinked up at the pale and ghoulish face and gave an exasperated sigh, “Don’t over exert yourself bastard.” His gaze drifted towards the stump of an arm and his eyes softened as he noticed the bandages reddening again.

“Levi.” He jumped as his name passed the chapped lips of Smith and the blue eyes clouded over into fever ridden tremors, “Don’t- Petra…. Erd….. Auro…. “

“Erwin.” Levi breathed, his throat tightening as the dead names echoed around the room, “Don’t…. stop. Please.”

“Gunter…… Douglas….. Theodore….Mike….” Unrecognized names ricocheted off in his brain and Levi felt his sanity slipping, his throat tightening ever so slightly as he imagined all of them.

“Please.” He tried again, practically throwing the dripping rag on the golden bangs and skin to cease the mumblings. “Shut up.” He could almost feel himself let go as he realized that Erwin didn’t know about Mike. He didn’t know that Mike was M.I.A…. probably K.I.A though it would be kinder to use the letter M. It would leave a small space for hope. 

“Farlan…. Isabelle….”

“Shut the fuck up Erwin.” Levi snarled, reckoning that his bedside manner could use some improvement but hell it got the job done, the invalid might be awake to pursue his fevered nightmares but at least he was quite and had ceased spouting the dead back into Levi’s face.

When Erwin had been silent for a few minuets (though it could have been hours and none would have been any wiser) Levi sighed, pushing his emotions back into place and allowing himself to fortify his mind. He had often wondered, even blamed Erwin for being inhuman. But inhuman Erwin had never scared him quite as much as the Erwin in front of him now. Inhuman Erwin had never spouted the names of the dead off like a mantra, had never sounded so _broken_ in doing so.

Levi was scared because at this moment Erwin Smith was much too human for his liking.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the final attempt everything was lost, and something was gained.

 

It was midday and too hot to do much of anything when Levi realized fully that the expedition was coming up soon. The first expedition, his first encounter with the Titans….. his first chance to die. Erwin had assured him that it would be a small one, just about two miles to a reconnaissance point and then back. The way he talked it sounded like a leisurely stroll out and back with few problems.

 

Hell, for that man it probably _was_ akin to a leisurely stroll.

 

Levi on the other hand was beginning to doubt this choice. He had survived attempted murders, thrived even when people came to end his life. He had beaten starvation and sickness and had lived in far worse conditions than were out there. He shouldn’t be shaking like a child in fear at the idea of titans.

 

But still, something was frightening him away from his usual nonchalance.

 

“I can’t believe we’re going out so soon!” The sharp feminine voice drifted into his ears and suddenly he remembered why the fear was there. “I mean it’s exciting in a way, isn’t it Farlan?!”

 

“Sure,” Levi turned to eye the man as he spoke, his voice calm and controlled, “To die.” Levi turned his gaze back to Isabelle in all her red haired glory and suppressed a smirk at her indignation.

 

“Would it kill you to be positive once in a while?” she huffed and whirled her attention to her ‘superior’ though Levi claimed to be nothing more than – dare he say it – a friend. “What about you hmm?” she smiled toothily and pointed upwards, “Aren’t you excited to be outside, with no walls?” he couldn’t bring himself to say yes. It wasn’t true; for all his planning and dreaming and desires he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that he _was_ excited and that he couldn’t say it because he was afraid-

 

To lose them.

 

Because while he was a dreamer, planning, and desired to be out there he was enough of a realist, and pessimist to realize exactly how many people died going out there.

 

Instead of trying to console her or be very forthcoming he instead shrugged and grunted, turning back to the horse that he had previously been grooming. Nickering, it ruffled its lips up to taste the air and stamped a hoof impatiently, groaning as he reached out and scratched it on the neck.

 

“Jeesh you two!” Isabelle snapped, smiling fondly despite herself. “Cheer up. We’ve survived worse!”

 

“Yeah, against humans.” Farlan retorted and then cast a wary eye towards Levi, waiting for the signal that he had pestered Isabelle enough. “Titans are different. They’ll chew you up and spit you out, and they don’t care if your alive or-“

 

“Farlan.” Levi warned, picking up a soft brush and taking methodically long strokes at the horse’s coat, wiping away the traces of mud and dirt with every stroke. There was something calming about the repetitiveness, easing his nerves with each pass.

 

He’d gotten too close, too comfortable with them over the years they had been together. First he had feared to lose them to disease or human stupidity; now he knew he was going to lose them to Titans. It was not if but when; one day they would slip up, get injured, and die.

 

Levi did another pass and moved around the horse to finish the other side, wrinkling his nose slightly with the aroma of sweetness and manure and utter _horse_ entered his nose. No matter how many baths he gave the animal it always retained that scent.

 

“What group are you in?” Isabelle chimed in, looking at him and reaching out a hand to pat the horse on the rump.

 

“Center Squad, same as you- they’ve put all of us untrustworthy people there!“

 

“I didn’t ask you Farlan!” Isabelle snapped before turning back to Levi and smiling, “Besides, we’re far from untrustworthy, we wouldn’t stab them in the back.”

 

“Be careful.” He gritted out, trying to keep his response as neutral as he possibly could. He could almost palpate the thick tension that had arisen as soon as the words left his mouth.

 

“Levi….?” They asked in unison, their faces drawn and worried.

 

“Let me worry about getting us back safely, don’t do anything reckless to save those people.”

 

“So let you take care of the Titans?!” Isabelle shrieked, causing the horse to flinch and nicker in objection.

 

“Let me decide which ones we take on.” He amended.

 

Farlan stared at him with a look that Levi couldn’t quite place. “And Erwin?” he spoke softer and Levi noticed how Isabelle leaned in more, leaning against the horse for support as she listened in.

 

“As good as dead.” Levi dropped the brush and gave the horse a reassuring pat as it shifted uneasily in response to the tension.

 

“We’re going with you when you go!” Isabelle chimed in, her face growing terse with yet unreleased anger.

 

 

“No,” Levi snarled, “He’s mine to finish, remember?” because while he might have his doubts about killing the bastard he knew that now was the time. Isabelle and Farlan had confirmed that. Plus – unlike the last two failed attempts the timing was perfect. He could kill Smith, go back for them and they could all escape to a safe place be it out there or back inside the walls. Smith’s death (and maybe their missing) would be seen as a tragic accident, and if they laid low long enough then they would be forgotten; a distant memory in a dead man’s mind.

 

“But the Titans could-“ Farlan argued.

 

Levi glared at him, mustering up all the condescending tones he could manage. “I can handle a few creepy titans with or without you guys.” He blinked, looking back to the horse and gently patting it before hardening his gaze, “Worry about keeping yourselves alive.”

 

They both nodded in unison, frowning when he cast them a sharp glare over the horse’s back.

 

After a moment of silence Isabelle broke it with a soft voice, “Are you coming to lunch?” as if on cue Farlan turned her to head back to the mess hall, allowing their gazes to linger on Levi.

 

“Go ahead,” Levi deadpanned, picking up the brush and pretending to go back to the already finished business, “I’ll go eventually.”

 

After a reluctant pause they headed out quietly, leaving Levi in the courtyard alone once more with his hands pressed against the heaving sides and his head feeling all too heavy. He had never been a strategist. Sure he could plan two maybe three steps ahead but after that things got hazy, he could never account for different possibilities or what he would do. Hell, it took him enough time to come up with the two or three plans he could come up with.

 

He leaned his head against the horse’s side, feeling the breaths push and pull his head with each long inhalation and exhalation. It was soothing in its own way, a rhythmic lifesaving action that reminded him of the present. Too much shit was happening too quickly. Too many possibilities and too much heartache lay ahead.

 

“Levi.” A voice echoed, soft enough to keep the horse calm, but tense enough to allow Levi the utter _privilege_ to know that it was Erwin Smith. “Levi.” The voice took on a sterner tone and the horse’s breathing went from something rhythmically soothing to something primal and flight ridden.

 

“What?” he growled, easing himself up from the horse’s side and narrowing cold eyes at the bastard.

 

“And here I thought we were getting along.” A small, cocky smile and a large hand came to rub the horse’s neck. “Wherever did I go wrong?” the sarcasm was practically dripping from the words.

 

“Signing us up for a suicide mission didn’t exactly endear you to me.” Levi snarked back, ignoring the disapproving glare and choosing instead to roll his eyes.

 

“Get ready to eat. I need you well rested for the expedition.” Erwin commanded after a tense moment of silence and walked away, leaving his subordinate to fume at his back.

 

 

**

 

He never saw it coming. Through his rage towards his captor Levi hadn’t given two thoughts about what would happen to Farlan and Isabelle if left with complete and utter idiots. He hadn’t even thought twice about the rain and visibility and the fact that there were man eating titans running around.

 

He had only sought revenge. And in the end, it was his down fall.

 

He remembered seeing the footprints, hearing the subtle screams and the utter _terror_ that ripped through his body at the thought of Titans. He had practically flow over the ground towards his friends and when he saw their death up close he stalled, faltered in a way that he never had before.

 

And when they were gone he drew his last breath and left with them. The accumulation of rage and hatred found a new target, and with every ounce of strength in his body he dealt with the Titans in the most painful way he could. He didn’t remember specifics. It wasn’t like the fights in the Underground which had been carefully laid out and distinctly remembered for survival. This was different. The only thing he was certain of was the boiling blood hitting his skin and slowly cooking the meat to form a sickening smell of death and pain and his screams.

 

Though for all he knew they could have been the screams of dying men on the ground. Men he could have saved if it hadn’t have been for his rage.

And then it was over. He wasn’t sure when his feet had hit the ground or when he had moved over to the lump of flesh and red hair that he instinctively knew was Isabelle. He just knew that it was then he wanted to die.

 

He used to mock the ones who withered away after they lost their people; he couldn’t fathom being that forlorn about losing someone. Until today….

 

“Levi!” the sharp call resounded through his skull and without even thinking Levi lashed out with residual energy and rage, catching the man behind his knees and dropping him to the ground. This was it. The final straw and the time that Erwin fucking Smith would die.

 

He had just dug his blade out of the muck, the blade scratching his hands and bloodying them when the voice finally broke through the red mist of fog.

 

“ _Enough_.” And for some reason he stopped. Levi stood, shaking and slightly disorientated before it occurred to him that there was a decidedly cold steel blade pressed against his neck.

 

Shifting his feet minutely he gave a feral smile as the blade pressed in deeper and drew a think line of harsh red across his skin. He pushed forward once more only to have the blade bite slightly deeper and Erwin to struggle up, his voice booming louder than the thunder.

 

“Enough!”

 

A command not meant for him at last.

 

And everything stood still. The blade slowly removed itself from his flesh, the body behind him moved a large hand onto his shoulder in restraint and the Commander in front of him stood up, looking into his harsh grey eyes with pity.

 

“What will you do now?” It was murmured almost as an afterthought, as though for all his planning the asshat hadn’t thought that it actually would come to this. Like he thought that their death would mean _nothing_ to a famed thug like himself. Like he _expected_ the thug to be callous about human life, uncaring that the two people in this world who were his family had died.

 

For once in his life Levi stayed silent, letting his smile fall into something darker and for his mind to fog over in realization that everything was gone. He couldn’t go back; that much was for certain. The hut with three bedrooms, the place where they had slept together and dined and survived… it was haunted now.

 

The hand on his shoulder tugged impatiently and for a split second he wondered how easy it would be to escape the grasp. To run and run till his lungs burst and a Titan found him. And then, as if sensing his insecurity Erwin grabbed the hem of his jacket and practically threw him in front of them, “Go.” He commanded, his voice devoid of all emotion - something that Levi was ironically grateful enough for now.

 

Walking all the way back to the base had been excruciating. Erwin and Mike hadn’t stayed behind him but instead walked beside him, occasionally pushing him and prodding him to move faster when needed. Levi looked up slowly into Mike’s passive face and then over to Erwin’s. A part of him blamed them, hated them for what they hadn’t done; and another more rational part of himself belittled his own rage and blindness.

 

One fuck up and he’d ruined his life.

 

When they approached the encampment he didn’t recognize the form at first that was rushing towards them. The wild chaos surrounding the form and it’s hands now caressing and smoothing his face didn’t compute with him until Erwin murmured a small, “Hangi.” And the hands pawing at his face stopped suddenly and amber eyes met his steel grey with ones with empathy.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she slowly pulled back, giving a stiff salute to Erwin and Mike and then casting another small glance at Levi.

 

And that was where his memories ceased. He didn’t remember being shoved into the nearest tent, nor when he drifted off to a dreamscape of nightmares and hollowness; all he knew was that when he awoke the sun was just blossoming through the cracks of fabric in his tent and the air was warm and alive.

 

Slowly pushing the sleep from his mind Levi brought his knees in tighter and curled into a ball, hoping that they would simply leave and let him mourn.

 

As footsteps neared his tent he growled, trying to make himself seem dead to the world and hoped that they would continue on, satisfied to leave the street rat in his den.

 

Where they fucking should have to begin with.

 

“Levi?” he raised his head slightly at the unusually soft voice of Hanji. “Levi…. We’re,” she seemed at a loss and her shadow slowly reached for the flap, fingers curling around the fabric and drawing it back to walk inside and stand awkwardly.

 

“We’re going back.” She murmured, and he knew without a doubt that she saw through his ruse. “I- I’ve got something for you. When you’re ready….”

 

“Mph,” he grunted, struggling to bring himself off the ground and continue walking. “’M coming.” He jerkily made his way to the opening and brushed off his uniform, trying to appear as collected as he usually was.

 

 _Weakness means death_. The feral part of him crooned.

 

“You’re not the first you know?” Hanji cocked her head and looked away from him.

 

“The first what?” _Fuck up?_ His mind supplied, _Criminal? Worthless piece of-_

 

“The first one to lose someone who you were close too.” She was unusually quiet and suddenly he felt awkward with this confident, less quirky woman.

 

He grunted again and strode past her, out into the sunlight and stopped as he watched Erwin stride past with all the self-righteousness any ass hat could muster up.

 

Sending Hanji a bemused glance he donned the same attitude and his face schooled into something that resembled nonchalance.

 

If Erwin Smith took any notice of his subordinates grief, or if he particularly cared if Levi was his shadow or not he didn’t voice his opinion. And without the confrontation Levi found it hard to leave.

 

“Do you want me to show you?” Hanji asked, her voice wavering slightly. Levi simply shrugged and offered a non-committal sound, allowing her to drag him around.

 

 

**

 

The first thing that hit him upon waking up was just how much missing an arm hurt. The pain was blinding but even through it he recognized the other important fact. Levi was sitting beside him, head propped up between his hands which rested lightly on his knees.

 

“Levi….” He croaked in greeting, swallowing back the dryness in his throat and wincing as it exasperated the pain in his shoulder. “This is a surprise.”

 

“Tch, just don’t.” Levi picked up a small pitcher and filled a glass with a bit of water.

 

“So is this my final hoorah?” Erwin smiled, his eyes falling to half-mast in exhaustion.

 

“If I wanted to kill you I would have already.” Levi extended the cup and looked slightly uncomfortable as he waited for Erwin to prop himself up and shakily reach for it. “You should know me better than that.” Gray eyes cast downwards as he avoided witnessing the unusual weakness from the man.

 

Erwin snorted, the water rippling under the exhalation. After a hard swallow and a shaky breath he chuckled, “I never quite know what’s going on in your head.” He cast his look up to Levi and smiled. “So enlighten me.”

 

“You need your rest.” Levi balked, suddenly uneasy to tell him what had transpired. “I’ve dealt with it up till now so you should just-“

 

“I’m rested enough.” Erwin settled back down on the bed and waited patiently. “Please.”

 

“Good news is you lived.” Levi shrugged, “That’s about all the news most of the Scouts care about.”

 

“I’m sure you did well.” Erwin blinked, his smile waning as Levi’s face fell.

 

“I’m no Commander, Erwin.” He breathed out and took a deep inhalation. “While you were…. Gone, there was chaos. Both in and out of the Scouts. They were worried sick about you.” Levi looked up and his gaze fixated on the stump left.

 

Erwin fell silent, allowing Levi to look away at last and clear his throat haphazardly in an attempt to erase the awkward silence. Taking pity on the man Erwin spoke, “I’m sorry that I left you to take care of this…. Mess.” Erwin watched intently as Levi’s slender fingers drummed on his thigh.

 

“Don’t worry you’re pretty little head about it.” His tone was biting, unforgiving. Rising suddenly he gave one last glance to Erwin before he was out the door, “Rest for a while longer, let me sort out this clusterfuck in my head. Let me go and fetch Pixis, tell him you haven’t kicked the bucket yet, bastard.”

 

**

 

Hanji had dragged him off to a field filled with wild flowers. Any other time he would have complained about the pollen, the dirt and the overpowering stench of the fauna. Even with it being outside the walls, he was unaccustomed to the…. Festiveness of it all. However it was the two conspicuous piles of dirt that made him balk and feel a surge of emotions that he couldn’t fathom.

 

“I know it’s little consolation to you but….” Hanji sighed, rubbing her face. “We went back and got them. I thought…. Well….. I thought that maybe this should be their final resting place.” She cast him a knowing look. “It’s better than most of us get in the end.”

 

With delicate steps Levi eased forward and stared down at the mounds. Strewn with wildflowers and discarded blades poking up at the heads they seemed restful out here.

 

“And all of them are there…..?” he asked, unsure of why his morbid curiosity was finally peaking.

 

“Yeah.” Hanji sidled up behind him and smiled reassuringly. “Every last piece. Me, Mike and Erwin made sure of it.”

 

 

 

It was right then when he decided that Hanji wasn’t so bad after all. It was then that he realized that for all the hatred, the seething betrayal that he had summed up that they all had a past. At some point it would come to light but for now it was reclusive and something to move away from. Some of them had been monsters before this, and some had turned into monsters because of this…. A wrong choice.

 

“Hanji,” he began, looking at her with a softer look than usual. “Thanks.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” She smirked, “Just promise me one thing.”

 

He cocked his head and glared at her. “What?” he growled out.

 

“Don’t get all mushy on me!” and with a wave of her arm she cascaded back to camp, leaving him alone to look up at the sky.

 

 

 

Levi, blinking up at the vastness and unhindered sky, felt the mantle the Underground had placed on him lift and in it’s place something else fell down. Erwin Smith was not the target. The target was the thing that had taken so much from so many.

 

The Titans would suffer and die. And he would make sure of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoof this is late! I had some spare time and had to hurry up and finish it/post it for my sanity, so if there are any major errors or you don't like it..... "sorry". ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Ps. The title is Latin for manslaughter, assassination, feuding, all that jazz. I was too lazy to think of a better one and my Latin book was handy. 
> 
> And yes I do imagine Hanji as somewhat crazy. I think most science people are to some extent (I know I sure as hell am). And who doesn't want Levi to have a shit list? 
> 
> Hoped you enjoyed!


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